The Bystander

Bees [repurposed]

In the garden there was a swarm of honeybees. You went out into the garden to look and see if you could count them all there in the bushes but you got bored and came inside and played on the x-box instead.

Later on when we were eating dinner, you said “I definitely saw the queen”.  I don’t believe you, the swarm will always hide the queen.

Originally published on 2nd August 2012 here


Masterchef [repurposed]

Your dish lacks seasoning and sharpness.  There is a roundness, a creepiness to it which doesn’t quite fit in with the other juicier, brighter elements.  There are also many technical errors.  Most of the dish is has been scorched rather badly, and it puts me to mind of the night my house caught fire, when everyone was screaming, yelling for someone to help them, but no one came.  However,  aspects of the dish remain entirely uncooked, I can see a pinkish liquid oozing across the plate.  It seems that parts of the animal that you have prepared are still alive. I can detect movement, and there is a claw or tooth mark of some description on the plate.  There is a grotesqueness to your cooking which alarms me.  You have prepared a dark and terrible dish for us today.  Your flavours have disturbed me.


Originally published on 18th January 2012 here

January Blues [repurposed]

I tried to visit last Saturday, but when I arrived, the door was closed.  This caused me great displeasure as I had travelled from very far in my bare feet to visit the exhibition, which I had been looking forward to for several months.  My journey was long and arduous, as I had traveled from my home all the way to the town where your gallery is, in order that I could view the work on display.  I am very fond of this type of work and I was, naturally, overjoyed when I discovered that there would be an exhibition so close to my home.  Upon arrival however, I discovered that not only the door was closed and locked, but that had I missed the exhibition entirely. I am gravely disappointed that the cessation of the exhibition had not been brought to my attention earlier, because I would not have made the trip had I known that the work would not be available.

I tried to peer through the keyhole, but couldn’t see much of whatever it was that you were exhibiting.  It didn’t look very good, I must say, and the walls looked like they were crumbling in places. I also saw bird excrement upon the walls and the floor, which makes me think that you’re not properly looking after the place which is a great shame I feel.

I must also comment on the great difficulty I had accessing the gallery in the first place.  The hill is extremely steep and very overgrown.  I cut my legs and arms quite badly in my acsent on the brambles and what I can only assume was broken glass.  In addition to the birds that have taken roost in the rafters, I also noted various other wildlife, incliding rats and lizards present within the brickwork. They darted in and out, quite unafraid that I was there, which seemed unusual.

There was also the matter of the dilapidation of the building itself.  If I were an exhibiting artist I would certainly not wish to have my work displayed by a gallery whose roof is partially absent.  I wonder how you find anyone to exhibit at all with the place in its current state.  I’ve tried to telephone several times to discuss this matter with you in person but each time I try to phone the line is dead.

Originally published on 3rd January 2013 here

Curriculum Vitae [repurposed]

I feel passionately about delivering services in a forward facing and customer-focused manner. I pride myself on my excellent time-keeping abilities and always strive to be a good team member.  I am also very capable when working independently, and have a proven track record in team leading.  My current employers have praised me on my ability to multi-task and deliver quality outcomes efficiently and creatively.

I am an outgoing and friendly individual.  I am committed to meeting all deadlines, and pride myself on my ability to hit targets.  I am particularly dedicated to delivering work of the highest quality.

I am an apathetic and complacent individual.  I am indifferent to deadlines, and ambivalent towards my unexceptional ability to hit targets.  I am distinctly casual when delivering work of mediocre quality.

I am an introverted and shy individual. I am adverse to meeting deadlines and I shy away from targets.  I am particularly terrified of delivering work of any kind.

I am a paranoid and caustic individual.  I fear deadlines and am deeply suspicious of targets.  I am dedicated only to the avoidance of work, and to achieving the absence of all daily tasks which might contribute to the greater workings of this organisation or to society in general.

I am a wild man.  I live in the woods. My work consists of finding puddles of rainwater to drink. I have no concept of work or of time-based deadlines.  All I know is the whispering of the trees, the dark, bloody rush of a red tail or  the scatter of a shiny wing. I know about hunting rats with a spear, stabbing them in their bellies and barbequing them. I am highly attuned to the sounds and movements of the forest and the creatures who live here fear and respect me.

Originally posted 30th December 2011 here