Curriculum Vitae [repurposed]
I feel passionately about delivering services in a forward facing and customer-focused manner. I pride myself on my excellent time-keeping abilities and always strive to be a good team member. I am also very capable when working independently, and have a proven track record in team leading. My current employers have praised me on my ability to multi-task and deliver quality outcomes efficiently and creatively.
I am an outgoing and friendly individual. I am committed to meeting all deadlines, and pride myself on my ability to hit targets. I am particularly dedicated to delivering work of the highest quality. I am an apathetic and complacent individual. I am indifferent to deadlines, and ambivalent towards my unexceptional ability to hit targets. I am distinctly casual when delivering work of mediocre quality. I am an introverted and shy individual. I am adverse to meeting deadlines and I shy away from targets. I am particularly terrified of delivering work of any kind. I am a paranoid and caustic individual. I fear deadlines and am deeply suspicious of targets. I am dedicated only to the avoidance of work, and to achieving the absence of all daily tasks which might contribute to the greater workings of this organisation or to society in general.
I am a wild man. I live in the woods. My work consists of finding puddles of rainwater to drink. I have no concept of work or of time-based deadlines. All I know is the whispering of the trees, the dark, bloody rush of a red tail or the scatter of a shiny wing. I know about hunting rats with a spear, stabbing them in their bellies and barbequing them. I am highly attuned to the sounds and movements of the forest and the creatures who live here fear and respect me.
Originally posted 30th December 2011 here